If you've ever wondered what the hell was
going on with your ability to orgasm sometimes and other times not at
all, you're not alone. I spoke with Carol Queen,
staff sexologist and researcher at Good Vibrations, a feminist adult
toy shop and education center in San Francisco, to bust the biggest
misconceptions about having an orgasm.
The myth: Women can't orgasm from anal sex.
The truth: "Some women definitely orgasm during anal, something many people believe only men can do, because of the sexual sensitivity of the prostate," Queen says. "But anal penetration and intercourse causes a great deal of sensation — it's one of the most sensation-filled sexual activities we can engage in," she says, and if you like those sensations (Not everyone does!) you can definitely orgasm from them. A big reason many women are turned off to anal sex, she says, is that many men aren't very good at it. "Many men don't know how to effectively enter the anus without causing pain, and incompetent anal sex can be painful indeed." So remember these guidelines: Relaxation, lubrication, communication. Also, the person being entered is the one in charge and always gets to say when, how fast, how hard, how long.
The truth: "Some women definitely orgasm during anal, something many people believe only men can do, because of the sexual sensitivity of the prostate," Queen says. "But anal penetration and intercourse causes a great deal of sensation — it's one of the most sensation-filled sexual activities we can engage in," she says, and if you like those sensations (Not everyone does!) you can definitely orgasm from them. A big reason many women are turned off to anal sex, she says, is that many men aren't very good at it. "Many men don't know how to effectively enter the anus without causing pain, and incompetent anal sex can be painful indeed." So remember these guidelines: Relaxation, lubrication, communication. Also, the person being entered is the one in charge and always gets to say when, how fast, how hard, how long.
The truth: A complete myth, according to Queen. "Something in the range of 70 percent of women do not (ever or usually) come during penis/vagina intercourse," she explains. "Partly, it's due to how aroused they are/not when intercourse begins; if a woman isn't begging-for-or-demanding-it aroused when intercourse starts, she isn't likely going to get so turned on as it proceeds." Sadly, for a lot of women that kind of sex is the norm — not aroused enough, with a partner who doesn't get how to help turn her on.
The myth: Women don't get sleepy after they orgasm.
The truth: Some women (and men) feel energized by an orgasm. Some women (and men) just want to fall asleep in someone's arms or lie about languidly. "There's a reason to many women masturbate to get to sleep," says Queen, "and this is it."
The myth: Women always want to cuddle after they orgasm.
The truth: Some women (especially if they're perimenopausal and the orgasm triggered a hot flash) get hot and don't want their partner to touch them at all after sex. Some want to snuggle. This isn't a gender divide, it's a personal divide.
The myth: Women can't come during "quickies" because it takes them too long.
The truth: "A woman who finds it difficult to get aroused, or takes a long time, indeed probably won't be able to come during a quickie. But that's not all women," says Queen. If you're super turned on by your partner (or by the idea of a quickie) you'll probably be able to come quickly because your arousal level is so over-the-top from the get-go.
The myth: Multiple orgasms never happen.
The truth: According to Queen, multiple orgasms are very real, but not every woman has them. "Perhaps 15 percent of women can have more than one orgasm in a session, and of course how many will depend on things like arousal and how long a sex session goes on," she says. Women who can have multiple orgasms just have shorter refractory periods than single-orgasm people, so they can get back to business more quickly.
The myth: Women can't orgasm with a one-night stand.
The truth: Most women who can orgasm with an intimate partner can orgasm just as easily with a stranger. But if you're a woman who has to have "just right" circumstances in order to come, "the thrill of the new person can be offset by the fact that she hasn't built up trust, may feel self-conscious, and hasn't had time to show her new hookup just how she likes it," explains Queen.
The myth: Squirting isn't real.
The truth: Some women squirt (aka ejaculate), but most don't. "The fluid comes from the G-spot, aka the prostate femina, and it happens far less often during intercourse than during manual stimulation or toy play, because the 'spot' (which is really a gland) usually needs a fairly strong amount of pressure to respond," says Queen. And as for women who brag about how much they squirt: "The upper limit of [how much women can ejaculate] is about a shot glass worth [of fluid]."